Being Intellectually Honest

The talk among the swing-set crowd is often about preschool these days. The oldest children in DD’s little playgroup, the ones who have been in almost since its inception, are now over two. To date, most of them have been cared for at home full-time by a parent, though some have had some limited time with nannies, in a mother’s day out program, or in daycare. In the fall, many of them will be heading off to brightly colored rooms filled with small tables and chairs, art supplies, picture books, ABC charts, and cubbies for half-days of songs, arts and crafts, and lessons on numbers and letters.

DD is not going to preschool in the fall, and she’s in the definite minority. It seems that most children today are going to preschool by age three. In our playgroup, DD is one of only three children in that age group (that I know of) not going to preschool in the fall. I am, on occasion, asked why my family decided not to “do the preschool thing” (though not usually by my fellow playgroup members).

On the whole, I have no problem with preschool, particularly in a setting with well-trained caregivers and lots of time for play. I’ve done a lot of reading on early-childhood education recently, and I’ve listened to other parents talk about sending their little ones off to preschool. Preschool seems great for some kids (particularly, according to the research I’ve read, those who come from less affluent and less educated homes), and it’s convenient and helpful for parents who want or need to work. All the research shows that there’s no harm in quality preschool childcare programs.

So why don’t we send DD happily on her way to the world of songs, crafts, letters, and numbers?

Primarily, my husband and I don’t want or need preschool in order to work. We structure our work schedule around our family life and work from home a great deal. We are very, very lucky both because we are our own bosses and can take such liberty with our schedule and because we have the invaluable (and I mean truly priceless) support of his parents, who watch our daughter two half-days and one full day a week to give me dedicated time in the office. We view preschool as an option, not as a must, and it is an option we don’t need to exercise.

In addition, the reality is that DD is doing just fine at home, and we don’t think she would gain any benefit from attending preschool. She loves to read and color; she’s learning her numbers and colors; she sings the ABC song and just about anything else she hears; she dances around the house; she makes jokes and laughs at just about everything. In short, she does everything that she should be doing right now, developmentally.

She’s also very creative, and, frankly, we don’t want to quash that quality in her. The way we see it, DD has thirteen years of compulsory education and probably at least four years of voluntary post-secondary education ahead of her. That’s plenty of time for her to have structured learning time, time in which someone else tells her how to see the world and why. At her age, she is learning in a purely experiential way that may never be available to her again. And no one is telling her that she can’t stop counting at five and go back to one but has to go on to ten, or that the ABC song doesn’t end at Q, or that the real way to dance like a ballerina is with her toes pointed just so. We want her to continue to love learning.

Lots of parents talk about the social benefits of preschool. We believe those thirteen-plus years of education are also plenty of time for DD to socialize. My observation is that the vast majority of children DD’s age have zero interest in what adults consider “being social.” DD loves being around other children – her “fwiends” – but she does mostly parallel play alongside them and very little direct play with them. In other words, in big groups, she tends to go about her own business. With one other child, she’ll briefly chat or hold hands or jointly play with some toys. The child-development literature indicates that this behavior is normal, and we don’t believe that putting DD into a setting with a group of other children every day will change this behavior because it’s just developmentally where she’s at.

The ultimate point is that we chose the life we are living, and it just doesn’t involve a structured preschool program at this point. I find, though, in listening to other parents, that some of them seem to be intellectually dishonest with themselves about these choices we all make as parents. They infer with worried questioning or even raised eyebrows that we are depriving our daughter in some way by not getting her on the school path early. But I also sense a lot of guilt – about choosing to send a child to preschool or daycare, about wanting to work, or, for those who don’t have a paying job, about simply wanting time for oneself.

I believe that many parents have been convinced (or have convinced themselves) that preschool is the absolute best thing to do for a child and that not sending a child to preschool will deprive her of some vital experience, some vital advantage. In my own neighborhood, dozens of parents recently camped out along the street in front of the neighborhood elementary school for three days solely to be one of the first twenty in line to sign their children up for the free pre-kindergarten program for four-year-olds. Some of them surely needed free childcare to enable them to work. But an article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on the queue indicated that at least some of the parents lined up because they felt pre-k was in some way, necessary for their children rather than for their own lifestyle choices.

This conviction seems not borne out by the literature, at least not for the children of the type of middle class families that live in our neighborhood and run in our social circles. It seems, instead, like something sold to parents to justify the high cost of preschool (there were only twenty slots for the free program at our local school, and most programs run $5,000-plus a year). And it seems like something that parents are willing to believe simply so that they don’t feel bad about doing whatever it is that they need or want to do, which will necessitate the child going to preschool.

My response: Well, get over it! We all make choices. Live with them. Maybe preschool will give a child an edge in early elementary school (though most studies seem to show that any such advantage is lost by third grade, where genetic abilities and socioeconomic class erase any temporary advantages). Maybe DD is missing out on that (temporary) advantage, but I’m fine with that. I’m not really concerned about DD being top student in her kindergarten class. She’ll be fine, whether she’s reading when she goes into kindergarten or not. I have no guilt over our decision, even if it does turn out the DD is a little behind the other kids in kindergarten as far as her knowledge base goes.

The reality is that a quality childcare program won’t harm a child but neither will keeping a child at home while others go to preschool. So, a parent who wants to work should work. Everyone deserves the opportunity to find personal fulfillment through work, even parents! A stay-at-home parent who just wants a few hours a day of peace and quiet and time to run errands and maybe take a breath that isn’t subject to the demands of a two– or three-year-old, should take that time. I don’t blame them! Regardless of the choice, though, a parent should feel free to send a child off to preschool or keep her at home guilt-free.

Let’s just all be honest about what we’re doing and why.